While training to become an Executive Coach, I had a big ‘a-ha’ moment. It was to discover that asking ‘why’ in a discussion was completely wrong. It was a real revelation to me. I always ask ‘why?’ whenever I try to find out more. Whilst my intention is positive, I learnt that simply asking why can have a negative effect.

The person hearing it can think:

a) you’re passing judgement on what I said or done.

b) you’re criticising what I’ve said or done.

As a result, the receiver can feel defensive. You can't get a deeper understanding. Either they clam up and respond ‘I don’t know’. Or, they can go on the offensive and feel they have to defend or justify themselves. Unintentionally, it can create a confrontational encounter.

So what do you do instead? Think of alternative ways of asking why without using the word itself. Try to use a range of open questions. For example:

‘How did you come to that decision?’

‘What led up to this?’

‘What influenced you?’

‘Can you explain to me what happened?’

‘Are you able to provide some more of the background’

Then probe gently into what they’ve said.

‘That’s interesting…’

‘And then what happened…’

‘How did that make you feel..’

This way, the person you’re talking to will be more likely to open up and not feel they’re being criticised or judged.

Occasionally I slip into asking the ‘why’ question, through my bad habits or impatience. In this case, I corrected myself and re-phrased the question. Alternatively, I roll with it. If you’ve built upon enough rapport with the person you’re talking to, they’ll still be open and expansive. You may be able to get away with it once. Just don’t keep repeating it.

So to summarise

If you’re interviewing, coaching someone, or just chatting, avoid asking 'why'? whenever you’re trying to get a deeper understanding. Instead, use open questions. Then, follow up on what’s being said with probing questions. That way the person will not feel judged or criticised. Instead, they’ll be more relaxed and forthcoming and you’ll get more out of the conversation.