Are We Too Fixated on Failure?

It seems that everywhere I look on social media, there’s a post saying that it’s good to fail, keep failing, don’t fear failure, etc. I’m wondering whether this focus on the merits of failure has gone too far. Whether our fixation on failure is a good thing.

Elizabeth Day is the champion of failure. I’m a big fan. I enjoy her podcast ‘How to Fail’. I’ve bought her book ‘Failosophy’. I follow her on Instagram.

Thanks to her work, I understand why embracing failure can help us grow and succeed.

a)      It teaches you resilience: you have to bounce back and overcome your failures.

b)      We learn and grow. It’s argued that you learn more from failure than you do from success.

c) It teaches us humility. It keeps our ego grounded.

All of which are good things. However, the reality is:

a)      Failure is excruciating. It can be painful, humiliating, and costly.

b)      It can destroy our self-confidence. It can stop us from pursuing our goals.

c)      It can become a habit. It’s easy to go on a losing streak and to feel that your whole life is one big failure.

I’m not particularly competitive, but I hate failing. If I’m pitching for a piece of work, I want to win it. If I host a party, I want it to be the best party ever. If I’m delivering a presentation, I want the audience to love it.

Just as failure can be a habit, winning can be a habit. Success breeds success. Your confidence grows, and you get braver, bolder, and more audacious. Jurgen Klopp and Pep Guardiola don’t believe in failure. Liverpool and Man City fans fully expect their team to win every time they perform. As do the players.

Of course, failure happens to all of us and we all need to deal with it. But don’t make failure the goal. Don’t put it on a pedestal. Don’t make it an aspiration. All of which I fear some of these ‘failure features’ imply. Failure is inevitable at some points, but success is much, much better.

Instead, I’d suggest you try and adopt the benefits of failure, without seeking to fail. For example.

1 Stay Humble

If you are winning or successful, don’t let it get to your head. It’ll come back to bite you. Feel happy, but stay grounded. What’s the old Kipling quote? Something about treating success and failure as the same thing? Remember what the Stoics taught us - ego is the enemy.

2 Keep Learning

Retain the mindset of a student. Even if you’re successful, keep reading, be open to new ideas, and stay curious. Take lessons from success. Continue to seek fresh perspectives. Don’t wait for failure to force you to learn new things.

3 Push Yourself

If you are winning or successful, never rest on your laurels. Look for the next challenge. Develop better habits. Re-invent yourself if necessary. Again, don’t wait for failure to force you to do this.

Summary

Whilst learning to deal with failure is a good thing, don’t get too fixated on it. Don’t act as though failure itself is something to aspire to. Focus on winning instead. Success is much better.

The only caveat is that you mustn’t let success go your head. Enjoy it, but don’t let success lead you to arrogance or complacency. Don’t wait for failure to force you to learn and grow. Stay grounded, keep learning, and continue to push yourself.

Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. My Key Take-outs

I’ve recently finished the book ‘Four Thousand Weeks’ by Oliver Burkeman, which describes itself as ‘Time Management for Mortals’. I found it enjoyable and thought-provoking.

Rather than quickly moving on to the next book, I thought I’d stop, reflect, and capture my key take-outs.

Here they are.

1 Our Lives Are Remarkably Short

Assuming we live to 80, it only lasts 4,000 weeks - hence the title of the book. And you only get one shot at it. This is quite a sobering thought. It doesn’t sound very long, does it? But this should be a liberating thought. It should encourage us all to make the most of our short time. He calls it ‘embracing your finitude’.

2 We Can’t Master Time

We’re inundated with tools and techniques to improve our productivity. He concludes that none of them work and that we should abandon our futile attempts to master time. Phew! The more efficient we become, the more work we generate. We never feel in control. We can never clear the decks. We never feel we have enough time, despite all the time-saving devices at our disposal. There’s always more we could be doing. Of course, we should do our best to become more efficient. But we should accept we’re never going to succeed in mastering time. We shouldn’t feel like we’re failing.

3 Distraction is the Big Enemy

What blocks our attempts to optimize our time is distraction. We get bored easily. We find it hard to focus on one thing. We find it hard to give anything our full attention. We blame technology and social media for this. There’s lots of advice to help us manage our relationship with technology. This usually involves tactics around disconnection.

But it goes beyond this. We were distracted before smartphones were invented. There’s something within us that wants to be distracted. Being alert to distractions helps us survive. It’s something we’ll always struggle with.

4 Don’t Chase the Future

Time managers try to map out their lives in detail and make grandiose plans. This can lead to stress or anxiety as nothing turns out quite as you expect. We can’t predict how everything will turn out. Events out of our control often scupper our intentions.

He therefore warns against obsessive planning. Indeed, when we look back on our lives, we’ll note many of the events that have shaped us have been the result of chance.

Micro-planning can lead to too much deferred gratification. We put things off, rather than enjoying the here and now. Remember the old saying - life’s not a dress rehearsal. Also, we risk losing the joy of spontaneity. Indeed he talks about the pleasure we gain from impulsive, generous gestures.

5 Learn to Enjoy Doing Nothing

There’s a risk that we become obsessed with the idea of ‘using time well’. Life becomes something we need to fill up, to maximize. Even when we’re not working. Instead, he advises us to rediscover rest. To learn to truly relax. To take place more pleasure in ‘wasting time’. Whatever that might be. Going for a walk. Playing with a train set. (A favourite pastime of Rod Stewart). Don’t feel guilty about it. Don’t see leisure as a means of being more productive. Enjoy leisure for its own sake.

6 Embrace Your Limitations

You can’t do everything. He advises us to accept what we can and can’t do. Plan this. He calls this ‘strategic underachievement’. Be consciously unbalanced. Make choices that will enlarge you. Even if at first they feel uncomfortable or challenged. Choose to not do things that diminish you. Things that make you unhappy, that cause anxiety.

7 Take Pleasure in the Mundane

This is all about seeing joy in the simplicity of everyday life. Noticing and appreciating the beauty and meaning behind what we take for granted. This could be about feeling grateful for small things such as a delicious cup of coffee or a walk in nature. Viewing regular events such as a meal with your family as significant. Be present and engaged in everyday tasks. Make the most of them.

8 Be More Patient

Modern living has led to more impatience. We hate waiting. This could be when we’re driving, awaiting a pizza delivery, or expecting a web page to load. People complain that they have no time to read nowadays. People complain they have no time to do anything.

He suggests we fight this. True fulfillment takes time. Be it relationships or new ventures. Too often, he argues we ‘jump off the bus’ too early. Instead, make incremental progress. Get better at finishing stuff, at completing. Before we get bored and move on to the next thing. Accept that things take time.

9 Embrace Your Irrelevance

We often put ourselves under pressure to ‘make our mark’ in the world, and achieve greatness. The reality is that we’re not that special. Humanity is 6,000 years old. There are 8 billion people in the world. Very few of us get to change the world. Relax. Don’t set yourself ambitions that are too grandiose. Aim for what he calls a ‘modestly meaningful life’. Otherwise, you risk disappointment.

10 Community is as Important as Individual Freedom

We’re often urged to take individual control of our lives, to go our own way, to not be answerable to others. But there’s a downside - loneliness.

It’s often more uplifting to be ‘in sync’ with others. For example, being part of a choir, with a crowd supporting your sports team, or simply hanging out with your neighbours. In short, being part of a community. Don’t neglect this dimension of what you do with your time.

Summary

‘Four Thousand Weeks’ is a book that challenged my long-held beliefs and made me reflect. The tone is light and not preachy and if you decide to read it, I don’t think it will be a waste of your time.

It’s also a book that’s changed my beliefs and behaviours. I was fascinated by efficiency and optimising my ‘valuable’ time. Now, I recognise that this is a pointless pursuit. I’m also a bit looser and less focused on planning the future in great detail. Random events will always scupper them. I do my best to feel grateful for what I have and take pleasure in the everyday. I’m lucky to be here.

My life is full of mundane activities and I’m learning to love them. Even David Beckham in his Netflix documentary loved cleaning his kitchen. Maybe I should follow his example.

Getting Going is the Tough Part

Self-improvement is on everyone’s mind at the moment. We’re inundated with articles on how to get fitter, how to achieve our goals, and how to make this year your best year ever. We’re certainly not short of advice and inspiration. It’s all around us.

I’ve only got one suggestion to make - to simply get going. No matter what your ambition is, just start small.

If you want to get fitter, go to the gym, do one exercise, and then leave. If you want to learn a new language, spend 1 minute on Duolingo and then put the phone down. If you want to publish more articles. Write the headline, then save it.

Once you’ve made the first step, the second step is so much easier. You’re not starting from zero. You’re no longer procrastinating, you’re on your way. It’s like a weight has been lifted off you. You will have shifted from planning to doing.

After this, you can begin to create the routines and habits that help you move forward. The second step is easier than the first, the third step is easier than the second and in no time at all, it becomes second nature. You’re on your way.

Summary

Getting going is always the difficult bit. It’s hard to snap out of your inertia, particularly in January, when you’re feeling jaded and it’s dark and cold outside. Therefore, don’t be overambitious. Don’t set scary resolutions. Decide what kind of person you want to be in 2024, then just make a simple start. Keep moving forward slowly. If you keep this going, then I’m sure that this could be your best year ever!

Your Best is Yet Come

A few weeks ago I was listening to an episode of Desert Island Discs with Adrian Edmondson. When the host, Lauren Laverne asked him what he considered his biggest achievement, he replied - I hope that my best is yet to come. I loved that answer. Adrian Edmondson is 66. A successful comedian, actor and writer. Almost a national treasure. Yet he still felt his best years were ahead of him. I nearly cheered.

I admire people who continue to push themselves. People who seek to learn and grow in their later years, even though they’ve already achieved so much.

I’m a huge fan of the artist David Hockney. He’s now 86 and is as innovative and productive as ever. There’s currently an exhibition of his work at the National Portrait Gallery entitled Drawing From Life. It’s wonderful. The range of his work is extraordinary. His most recent work is a series of portraits from 2022, which I loved.

At Tate Britain, there’s currently a large exhibition on feminism, called WOMEN IN REVOLT! ART AND ACTIVISM IN THE UK 1970-1990. For many of the featured artists, this is the first time their work has been given such a significant public platform.

Projected onto a wall is a 1977 piece by Raincoats bassist Gina Birch, made when she was at art school. Entitled 3 Minute Scream, it’s exactly that: Gina screaming into the camera for 3 minutes. It’s at the centre of the exhibition. Gina’s image is featured on all of the exhibition’s publicity material and it’s rejuvenated her career both as an artist and a musician. She released an acclaimed solo album earlier this year and continues to exhibit her work.

Summary

Age should never prove to be a barrier to your success. Nor should we ever rest on our laurels. We should all strive to be creative and to look to find our greatness, irrespective of our age or past achievements. Take inspiration from the likes of Adrian Edmondson, David Hockney and Gina Birch. They continue to be active and creative later in life. Your high points and recognition for your work may come later in life than you imagine. No matter what your age is, your best may be yet to come!